Hurty Tooth/Transcript
Green's House, kitchen (Episode title appears as eggs, bacon and sausages on a plate; the Greens are eating their breakfast.) Tilly: Ahh... (eats an egg) Mmm-mmm-mmm! Thanks for cookin' breakfast, Papa. Cricket: Yeah, what a spread! (shows the various breakfasts as Cricket describes them) Pancakes, bacon, Tilly's famous cornbread... (Tilly literally dumps a can of corn all over the bread.) Bill: (chuckles) That girl is an artist in the kitchen, I tell you what. Dig in, everyone! Gramma: This bacon's so burnt, you can use it as an ice pick. (bites it and chews) Just the way I like it. Tilly: These pancakes are -- Cricket (OS): Ow. (Cricket is having trouble eating.) Tilly: Are... Cricket: Ow. (everyone stares) Ow. Bill: What's goin' on with you, son? Cricket: Hmm? Ah, it's nothin'. (eats an egg; hand to cheek) OWOWOWOWOW!!! Just ol' Hurty Tooth actin' up again. Bill: Son... (sighs) Explain. Cricket: Oh, Hurty Tooth is the name of an ornery tooth I have. He tends to act up when I eat, or drink, or expose him to direct sunlight... Bill: Yeah, I've heard enough. Let me see that tooth. (Cuts to inside Cricket's mouth; it opens to let Bill examine.) Bill: Let's see here, I... (spots one particular tooth) Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, NO!!! Cricket: Ahh... Bill: (closes Cricket's mouth and pats his head) All right, that does it. I'm settin' both you kids up with dentist appointments right away. Cricket: Whoa, hold on, now. I don't wanna go to the dentist! Tilly: Oh, boy! I hope they use the cinnamon fluoride! Bill: (dials the phone) That's the attitude, sweetie! Cricket, why can't you be excited about fluoride? Cricket: Dad, I can handle it! I don't need anyone pokin' around in my mouth! Gramma: (slams her bacon on the table) You're dang right, boy. You can't trust doctors -- they act all nice, and then BAM! They'll take everything from you! Cricket: R-really? Is it t-t-true? Gramma: (mimicking him) Y-y-y-y-yes, it is! First they'll take a tooth, then a finger, and then who knows what! How do you think I lost my leg? Doctor took it! Bit it clean off! Bill: (takes Cricket) All right, let's go. Gramma: (gasps) CRICKET! Cricket: (as he is dragged out) GRAMMA, NO! DON'T LET THIS MAN TAKE ME AWAY! I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE DENTIST!! Tilly: Bye, Gramma! (leaves) Gramma: (runs out) BILL! NO!!! (trips over Phoenix) CRIIICKEEEEET!!! Front yard (The Kludge drives away.) Cricket: GRAMMA, HELP MEEEEE!!!!!! Bill: Geez, Cricket, just relax. Gramma: Don't you worry, boy. (runs after them) Gramma's comin'! Big City Dental and Orthodontics, waiting room Bill: Well, you certainly are a fighter. Cricket: I don't need to be here! This problem is completely ignorable! Tilly: I don't know why you hate the dentist so much, Cricket. Personally, I find it nice and relaxin'! Somethin' about those fluorescent lights. (She stares up at the ceiling light; the view around it darkens.) Bill: (searching a magazine rack) Hmm...not a single issue of Tuber Digest or Sensible Yields. (Pulls out one particular magazine and gasps) Highbrights! I used to read these all the time as a boy! (opens it) I was a real whiz at spot the difference. Let's see if I still got it. (Close-up of the spot-the-difference page: a woman walking her dog in the park.) Bill: So, we got a person walkin' a dog, and... (looks at the other picture) A person walkin' a dog. Hmm....not seein' any differences yet. But that won't stop this old whiz! Female Dental Assistant: (comes out) Cricket Green? The dentist is ready to see you, now. Uh...Cricket Green? Oh, excuse me, sir, are you Cricket Green? (Cricket is wearing glasses and a headscarf, attempting to escape.) Cricket: (sounding elderly) No, my name is...different than that! Mrs. Different-Than-That. Anyway, gotta g Bill: (grabs him) Yes! This is Cricket Green, and he's getting his Hurty Tooth fixed today. Cricket: Ugh!!! Fine! (gives the glasses and scarf back to the sleeping elderly man he got them from; to himself) I don't need my stinkin' tooth fixed! Female Dental Assistant: The door is right this way. Cricket: (under his breath) Yes, the door is right this way! (blows raspberry) Female Dental Assistant: Tilly, we are ready for you to -- (Tilly leaves) Oh... (chuckles) Okay. Tilly's examination room (A dental light switches on; Tilly lays back in her chair.) Female Dental Assistant: The dentist will be with you shortly. (leaves) Tilly: Take your time! (sighs) There's somethin' about these lights. (closes her eyes) Makes me feel so relaxed... (Zoom in on the light; the view fades to gold.) Tilly's dream world Voice: Tilly...Tilly... (A figure starts to appear out of the light.) Tilly: Who is that?!? Have I passed on? Are you my maker? Mysterious figure: No, it's me! (reveals himself as...) The Tooth Fairy! Tilly: (gasps in surprise) Cricket's examination room Cricket: (pacing in his chair) Hmmph. Why am I here? I don't need to be here! (The dentist, Dr. Enamel, enters.) Dr. Enamel: Well, hi there, kiddo, I'll be your dentist today! The name is Dr. Enamel. (chuckles) I know, I know, it's a funny name. Cricket: (sits down) I don't think it's funny. Dr. Enamel: Um...my charts say you've got a nasty case of tooth decay. If left unchecked, it could lead to the very silly-sounding yet dangerous gingivitis. Cricket: Well, good luck, doctor, 'cause I know your game and I ain't cooperating with your scam. Hmmph! (closes mouth) Dr. Enamel: Okay. Then I...guess you can go home! Cricket: Wha? Really?! (his mouth is pulled open; shrieks) Dr. Enamel: Nope! (cuts to inside Cricket's mouth) Okay...looking good... (sees Hurty Tooth) Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, NO!!! Cricket: Ahh... (closes mouth) Oh, I'm sorry. Do Hurty Tooth and I disgust you? Dr. Enamel: Listen, slugger. I'm sorry, but that tooth has to be pulled out right away. Cricket: Wha?!? It's just like Gramma said! You want my tooth, but then what?!? An arm?!? A leg?!? Huh?!? HUH?!? Dr. Enamel: What I want is for you to have proper dental hygene. (shows the dental pliers) Cricket: (whimpers in fright) Dark examination room Gramma: (opens a window and jumps in) Hyup! Oof! Don't worry, Cricket, I'll get you outta here. Green male assistant: (from outside) Hello? (enters) Hello? Is someone in here? I thought I heard -- (Gramma punches him from behind, knocking him out. She lays him on the ground.) Hallway Gramma: (comes out disguised as a dentist; to another) Excuse me, where can I find a patient named Cricket Green? Green male dentist: There's no time for that, come with me! (drags her into a room of another patient) This man wants to put Christmas decorations on his braces and (puts on his surgical mask) by golly, we're gonna make his dream come true. Patient: (sits up, wearing a Santa hat) Ho, ho, ho! Waiting room (Bill is still reading ''Highbrights, trying to solve the spot-the-difference.)'' Bill: Okay, Bill, let's try this again. (Close-up of the magazine; he looks back and forth.) Bill: Lady, lady. Dog, dog. (sees a bird in a tree) Oh, there's a bird! Does the other one have a bird? I -- GAH! (pulls magazine away and sighs) Come on, Bill. No need to get worked up over a kid's puzzle. All I need to do is look a little... (puts his face in the pages) Closer! Tilly's dream world (Tilly appears to be flying through a pink, cloudy sky.) Tilly: Wow! (reveals she's sitting on the Tooth Fairy's head; sees teeth flying by) This place is amazing! Do you really live here? Tooth Fairy: Yes! This is my kingdom: Toothtopia! And over here is my castle! (He takes her into the castle's throne room.) Tilly: Golly! (gets off) Thanks for the royal tour, your majesty! (kisses his hand) And might I say, I love your sense of decor. Tooth Fairy: Really? You mean it? You would tell me if it's creepy, right? TELL ME IF IT'S CREEPY. Tilly: Taste is subjective. I've had such a wonderful time here. How can I ever repay you? Tooth Fairy: (laughs) You don't have to get me anything! But if ya did, I'd want another tooth! I could never have enough human teeth! Tilly: (bows) For the kindness you've shown me, I shall bring you a tooth! Tooth Fairy: Oh, boy! (tosses scattered teeth everywhere) Waiting room (Bill is still trying to solve the puzzle.) Bill: Lady, dog, bird. Lady, dog, bird. (close-up of him, eyes flicking back and forth and sweating) Lady, dog, bird... Lady, dog, bird...!!! (He looks at the pictures one by one so fast they begin to merge with each other in delusion.) Bill: (yelling in frustration) THESE PICTURES LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! AGH! (throws the magazine down and walks away) I think I need to rest my eyes. (Right after he goes offscreen, Benny comes toddling into the room.) Benny: Thank you, Mr. Dentist, for numbing my face! (sees the magazine) Ooh, spot-the-difference! (points to the difference) There it is! (leaves) Tra-la-la-la-la... Bill: BOY, WAIT! SHOW ME, SHOW ME!! Cricket's examination room Dr. Enamel: Now now, chief, if that tooth doesn't come out, you could suffer some long-term consequences. Cricket: How dare you make me consider the long-term! (grabs a nozzle) I'm not gonna just stand here and listen to your...HOGWASH! (He fires some water at Dr. Enamel, and he jumps off, only to slip in a puddle of it.) Cricket: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! (trips) Oof! Dr. Enamel: Whoa there, champ. I'm just here to help you. Cricket: I don't want your help! (backs into the drawers) Hmm? Dr. Enamel: You can't keep running from your problems! Cricket: Oh, yeah? (takes a tray of dental appliances and throws it) WATCH ME! (The appliances pin Dr. Enamel to the wall.) Dr. Enamel: AGH! What the...? (Cricket runs out) CAPTAIN! ACE! Hallway Dr. Enamel (OS): PARTNER! COME BAAACK!!! (Three other dentists are blocking his way to the exit.) Pink male dentist: This is when she got to pet the dolphins... Female dentists: (indistinct cooing and laughter) Cricket: Wuh-oh! (Sees another door and rolls in) Tilly's examination room (He finds Tilly, fast asleep and haven't been worked on yet.) Cricket: Tilly! (gets on her chair and shakes her) Tilly, ya gotta help me get outta here! The dentist wants to yank out Hurty Tooth! HE WANTS TO YANK OUT HURTY TOOTH! Tilly: (drowsy) Tooth...? (putsh her hand in Cricket's mouth) I need tooth...! Cricket: What?! Tilly, you too?!? Hallway (Cricket runs through the dimly lit hall, screaming.) Cricket: Exit! Just gotta make to the exit! (feels pain from his tooth and drops) OW! Ow, Hurty Tooth, no, no, no! I'm trying to save you, you fool! (hears Tilly) Huh? (Tilly is approaching him like a zombie.) Tilly: Ugh...ugh, gimmie your toooooth! Ohhhhhhhh... (advances toward him) Cricket: (backing away) Ugh, why can't anyone just leave Hurty Tooth alone?!? Tilly: GIMMIE THAT TOOTH...!! (She is pushed away by Gramma.) Gramma: Come with me if you wanna live! Cricket: (gasps) Gramma! Tilly: AYE! Gramma: Come, come, get up, get up! Dark examination room Tilly: TOOOOOTH...! Cricket: Agh!! Gramma: (slams door shut) Phew! C'mon, boy, let's sneak out the window! (Cricket stands, but feels more pain.) Cricket: Ow... Gramma: (struggles as she climbs through the window) Coast is clear -- what's the matter with you?! Cricket: It's Hurty Tooth again. Hey Gramma, Hurty Tooth'll stop hurting eventually, right? Gramma: Oh, nooo. I'll hurt more and more. But you'll get used to it. Cricket: What?! You mean this never stops?! Gramma: Not until all your teeth fall out. Cricket: How long'll that take? Gramma: Don't you worry, just keep avoiding the dentist, and that day will come before you know it! Why, I was practically your age when I got my first pair of dentures. (She takes her dentures out; Cricket gasps.) Gramma: (muffled) Nuffing to be afwaid of! Cricket: (completely freaked out) YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Gramma: Whath wong, why are you threaming? (Cricket flees the room, screaming.) Gramma: Cricket, you gotta uthe your wordth if you want Gramma to underthand ya! Cricket's examination room (Dr. Enamel is still pinned to the wall.) Dr. Enamel: Well, Dr. Enamel, it appears you're as stuck as an impacted molar. Ha ha...I'm funny. (Cricket removes the appliances, releasing him.) Dr. Enamel: Oh? Surprised to see you here, little man. Cricket: You were right, Dr. Enamel. Hurty Tooth has...got to go. (He gets in his chair and takes a deep breath; Dr. Enamel puts on his surgical mask. Dr. Enamel: What made you change your mind, sport? Cricket: Well, you see, my Gramma told me that dentists and doctors were all a big scam, and i wasn't gonna fall for it. Dr. Enamel: (turns on the light) Go on. Cricket: But I realized something, Doc. The only scam here was believing that Hurty Tooth should stay. And I don't believe that anymore, mmm-mmm! (Zoom in on Cricket's eyes.) Cricket: So do your worst. (pans to his mouth as he opens it) Ahhhhhhhh... Dr. Enamel: (pulling mask down) I already did! (reveals the pulled black tooth in the pliers) I pulled your Hurty Tooth while you were giving that speech! Cricket: (surprised) Whaaa?! Dang, you are good. Dr. Enamel: Eh, so I hear. Tilly: (enters from outside, still dozy) Tooth... Cricket: Thanks, Doc! I really apprecia -- Tilly: (lunges behind him) TOOTH! (reaches for Hurty Tooth and grabs it) Tilly's dream world Tilly: I have returned with your gift, your majesty! Tooth Fairy: (clapping) Oh, wow! You've made this ol' Tooth Fairy very happy! (He puts the tooth with various others on a gum frame holding a photo of he and Tilly with the caption "BFF's".) Tooth Fairy: (sighs) That goes right there. Tilly: You are too kind. And I would just like to say, I -- Cricket's examination room (She is actually looking at a poster of the Tooth Fairy on the wall.) Tilly: Am very happy, your majesty... (hugs the poster as it falls on her; faints) (Long pause.) Dr. Enamel Huh. Did I leave the gas on in the other room? Waiting room (Bill is on the floor, still trying to solve the magazine puzzle.) Bill: (losing it) Bird, tree, lady, dog...dog, tree, bird, lady...lady, bird, lady, bird... Gramma: (pacing back and forth; overlapping) Oh...what's goin' on back there? (Cricket and Tilly come out, the latter back in order.) Tilly: (yawns) I had such a relaxin' visit. Best sleep I've had in years. Gramma: (runs up to Cricket and pulls his face) Oh...you made it out! What did they do to ya?!? Tilly: Hi, Gramma! Cricket: I'm okay, Gramma! Hurty Tooth doesn't hurty anymore! (looks at Dr. Enamel waving) All thanks to Dr. Enamel. That guy's all right. Gramma: (not buying it) I know evil when I see it. Dr. Enamel: Wocka-wocka! Cricket: (goes over to Bill; singy-songy) Daaaaaad! Guess what? Bill: (stands up, coughs) Oh. (another cough) What is it, son? Cricket: I did it! Hurty Tooth is gone! I was worried at first, but then I had a revelation. And I realized that I had to look at the bigger picture. Bill: (with realization) Bigger...picture?!? (He looks at the puzzle; close-up of it, zooming out to the whole thing; the right picture has a dinosaur monster behind the buildings giving attack and an alien zapping it.) Bill: Oh, my goodness! I-I can spot it! I can spot the difference! I DID IT! I FINALLY DID IT!! Cricket: Good job solvin' that child's puzzle, Dad. Real proud of ya. Bill: Aww, thanks, Cricket. But I'm more proud of you for takin' care of Hurty Tooth! Cricket: Guess now it's time to fix 'ol Screw Foot, huh? Bill: "Screw Foot"? Cricket: (lifts his left foot) Oh, it's what I call this foot after I stepped on a screw two months ago. (He shows the bottom of his foot to the others.) Tilly, Bill, Gramma: AGH!! NO! Bill: I'll...call the doctor. Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:H Category:A-Z